Capital Crimes in Bible Law
by Michael (the Archangel) Friedrichs
Are you sick and tired of pushy preachers pushing garbage
under the crack of your door? Why not invite them in and
share with them exactly what their bible says. Once they
meet their god they may not like him so much.
THEREFORE, from our home office in germany, i present to
you the top ten things that carry the death penalty in
the Christian religion;
10) Killing cattle without bringing an offering to a
priest (Lev 17:2-5)
Something tells me the priests were in on this one.
9) Eating unleavened bread during passover (Exodus 12:15)
Quick, honey, is Wonderbread leavened or not? If the
bible were written today, I'm sure this would include
Nutrasweet as well!
8) Not keeping a passover feast (Numbers 9:13)
Not even if you are in an inflatable life raft in the
middle of the Pacific ocean? "Boy, I hope I'm not rescued
by my priest!"
7) Kindling a fire on the seventh day (Ex 35:2-3)
Not a day of Sunday school went by that I didn't kindle a
fire for the girl in the first row of choir!
6) Idolatry or heresy (Ex 22:20)
Sorry, I thought "the King" was Elvis!
5) Eating fat (Lev 7:22-25)
Who the heck eats fat anyway? I usually leave mine in a
little pile next to the baked potato.
4) Breaking the sabbath (Ex 32:14-15)
Better get a reliable alarm clock, folks!
3) Touching a holy thing (Num 4:15)
I know what you dirty Pagans are thinking! Get your minds
out of the gutter!
2) Making perfume (Ex 30:34-38)
This one is so ridiculous I'll leave it like it is. and
the number one way to get stoned to death in a
fundamentalist Christian country...
1) Consult a wizard (Lev 20:6)